Talk to Me, Not Past Me: How Youth Communicate Respectfully With Adults With Disabilities

The moment matters. You walk up to a group, say hello, and ask a question. An adult with a disability is right there, but you direct your words to the person beside them.

It may feel like a small mistake. For the person left out, it can make the whole conversation feel closed.

Adults with disabilities are adults. They have ideas, humor, preferences, boundaries, and stories of their own. Speak to them directly, listen to what they say, and give them the same respect you would offer anyone else. You don’t need perfect words. You do need to stay present.

Start with the person, not the assumption

Make eye contact if that feels natural to the person. Say hello. Introduce yourself. Ask a question, then give them time to answer.

If someone is with a companion, speak to the adult, not around them or through the other person. If the adult uses an interpreter or a communication device, address them directly. The interpreter or device supports the conversation; the adult is still your conversation partner.

Try:

• “Hi, I’m Sam. What’s your name?”
• “What do you think?”
• “Would you like to join us?”

Then listen. Let the person guide the conversation and tell you what works for them.

Make your words easier to follow

People communicate in different ways. Don’t guess what someone can hear, see, understand, or say. Start with respect, and adjust when needed.

When you’re speaking with someone who is deaf or hard of hearing: Get their attention first with a wave or another respectful signal. Face them, keep your face visible, and speak clearly without exaggerating your words. Don’t shout. If they don’t understand, try rephrasing instead of repeating the same sentence louder. Offer to write something down.

Some people lip-read, some use sign language, and some use both. Others may prefer writing or another communication method. Ask what works best, and follow their lead.

When you’re speaking with someone who is blind or has low vision: Identify yourself as you approach. Say who is with you, too: “Hi, it’s Jordan. I’ve got Marcus with me.” Use the person’s name so they know you’re speaking to them.

Give clear directions. “The chair is on your left, about ten feet away” is more useful than “It’s over there.” Point out an obstacle in their path. And tell them when you’re leaving so they’re not left talking to someone who has walked away.

When someone has a speech difference or uses a communication device: Give them your attention and your time. Don’t finish their sentences or pretend you understand. If you miss something, ask them to repeat it or offer a yes-or-no question when that would help. Then wait for their answer. Their thoughts are worth your time.

Keep the conversation adult to adult

When you talk with someone who has an intellectual or developmental disability, speak naturally. Don’t switch to baby talk or treat the person like a child. Use clear, concrete language, and give them time to respond.

Check in without turning the moment into a test. You might ask, “Does that make sense?” or “Would you like me to explain that another way?” Make room for the person to ask you questions, too.

Never talk about someone in the third person while they’re standing right there. Instead of asking a companion, “Do they want to come with us?” ask the adult, “Would you like to come with us?”

Clear communication is helpful. Condescension is not.

Let patience do its work

A pause can feel awkward. Let it happen. Don’t rush to fill every quiet moment, take over, or answer for someone else. Slow down your pace, not your respect.

If the conversation gets hard, stay in it. Ask what would help. Offer another way to communicate, such as writing something down, but don’t assume that’s what the person wants. A few seconds of patience is nothing compared with being talked over or ignored.

Try these simple scripts:

• “Take your time: I’m not in a rush.”
• “Would you like me to write that down?”
• “Was that okay to ask?”
• “Would you rather tell me another way?”

These phrases aren’t magic words. They’re ways to show that you’re listening and open to what the other person needs. If they say no to your offer, accept it. If you make a mistake, apologize briefly and keep treating them with respect.

Offer help without taking over

Wanting to help is a good start. Asking first makes it respectful.

Say, “Would you like a hand?” Then wait for an answer. Don’t grab someone’s hands to help them sign or type. Don’t touch a mobility aid or communication device without permission. And don’t assume that a person needs help just because they do something differently from you.

Respect includes privacy. Don’t discuss someone’s disability with others as if the person isn’t present. Don’t ask personal questions just because you’re curious. If the person chooses to share, listen; if they don’t, move on.

People also differ in how they describe themselves. Some prefer person-first language, such as “person with a disability.” Others prefer identity-first language, such as “disabled person” or “Deaf person.” When you’re unsure, use the person’s own words. The National Center on Disability and Journalism’s style guide offers guidance on respectful language.

Put respect into practice

You’ll learn by talking with people, not by trying to memorize a perfect script. Be curious, be clear, and be ready to listen. When you’re not sure, ask a simple question: “What works best for you?”

The ADA’s guidance on effective communication and ADA National Network’s communication tips offer more information about communication access and support.

At Minds Matter Resource Group, we believe support should protect dignity and help people feel included. Explore our promise and consider how you can carry that respect into your next conversation.

Every conversation gives you a chance to make room for someone’s voice. Talk with the person. Listen to their answer. Treat them as the adult they are.